A Grief Observed

It is with a heavy heart that I set out to write this post.

I just experienced my third miscarriage in about 8 months.  I would have been 10ish weeks on Tuesday.  We had warning that this was coming; at the 7 week ultrasound the doctor diagnosed it as another miscarriage, the baby never developed.  He never said blighted ovum, but I'm fairly certain that would be the diagnosis.  I had hope, though, that he was wrong.  Maybe the baby was just hiding, or maybe my tilted uterus, which I think the doctor said I had, was why we couldn't see baby yet.  Alas, though, it was not meant to be.

I had great hopes that this pregnancy would result in a live baby at the end of 9 months.  This baby was conceived just about a month after the previous miscarriage; I didn't even have a period in between.  I didn't think that I would get pregnant that quickly, but I did.  I was hoping that this would be the baby that stuck around.  I don't know why we've suffered three losses in a row, and I've come to terms with the fact that it's ok that I don't know, that I'll never know.  Even if we find a cause, I still won't know why God allowed it to happen, and I am at peace with that.  After all, I am not God, nor do I desire to be.

We have not chosen a name for this baby just yet.  We are going to have testing done on the placenta, so I want to wait until the results come back from that because I am pretty sure they will be able to tell us whether this baby is a boy or girl.  Since we will be able to know, I would like to wait and pick out a name that is gender appropriate.

In the midst of all this, we are getting ready to move across country, again.  This time back to Wyoming (we lived there when we were first married, and our first was born there).  I am excited about the move, especially because I have discovered a NaPro doctor only two hours from where we'll be living.  I am hopeful that he will do everything he can to help us find answers and to help us on our way to having more children.  I am praying and hoping that we can find the reason for these losses, if there is a reason to be found, other than random chromosomal abnormalities. 

I just finished reading Ann Voskamp's One Thousand Blessings.  It was a very timely read; the message of her book is helping me keep perspective.  I am trying to count my blessings even in the midst of my grief.  Or maybe I should say, especially in the midst of my grief.


In Memoriam:  Baby B # 5.  August 26, 2012.

Pray for us, little one.

ETA:  We ended up naming this little one Rose; my oldest called the baby Rose in utero, and we found out (after we had already named her) that this baby was indeed a girl.

Little Rose, pray for us!